Broaching difficult conversations with aging parents

Broaching difficult conversations with aging parents

December 31, 2007

Having a conversation with aging parents about their wishes once they’re unable to care for themselves is difficult, so Toronto litigator Matthew Urback advises adult children to have these talks earlier in life’s stages.

“Sometimes having these discussions suggests to your parents that their days of independence are over, which is not necessarily true. It’s just the way these conversations are perceived,” he tells AdvocateDaily.com.

“A good way to avoid that is simply to have the conversation much earlier. It’s more of a plan for the future versus something that’s happening right now. You’re not implicitly suggesting they are no longer independent, you’re evolving the way you help them,” says Urback, an associate with Shibley Righton LLP.

Discussing hot-button issues can sometimes put a loved one in defence mode, he says. But he has some suggestions to make such conversations a little easier.

“If you want to discuss with your parent getting some help around the house, a good time to have that discussion may be after you’ve helped shovel the snow or mow the lawn. It comes up a little more organically,” Urback says.

Children know their parents best and sometimes more than one family member should be on hand for the discussion, he says. However, some parents will take the suggestions easier if it’s just one-on-one.

“There is no magic answer," Urback says. "It depends on the personality of the individual you’re dealing with. Sometimes it may even be necessary to hear certain news from a doctor.”

Urback says it’s important to stress to parents that these kinds of conversations are happening now so that their wishes become known and can be carried out effectively.

“One topic to address with an aging loved one is the will — do they have one and did a lawyer help prepare it?”

Urback suggests also asking if they have life insurance, estate trustees, powers of attorney, long-term care wishes and funeral preparations.

“It’s not as if you’re taking control away from your parents. What you’re trying to do is reassure them their wishes will be respected and adhered to and you’re asking questions only to avoid potential confusion down the road.”

Urback often represents clients in estate litigation cases and says most conflicts arise because the best witness about a person’s intentions isn’t around anymore.

“Nobody knows 100 per cent what mom wanted to do with her house. It can get personal and costly to try to resolve this if there are differences in opinion.”

He says an asset that’s prime for disputes is the family cottage.

“It’s usually worth a great deal of money and there’s usually a sentimental attachment to it. If parents have an intention with respect to that cottage, everyone needs to be on the same page. Elders may opt to sell the cottage just to avoid family fights over it.”

Urback says such issues can be much easily resolved if the parent's wishes are respected.

These days, he says many young people are also setting up powers of attorney for property. So, if you have one, it’s easier to broach the subject with a parent, Urback says.

“It might encourage more free-flowing conversation back and forth. There’s a good reason to have those discussions so that when the time comes, your money is in the hands of people you trust and the instructions are well set out,” he says.